Continuing the Conversation Blog

Two Fearless Questions to Ask Your Child After a Playdate Thursday, June 23, 2016

You have that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach. You allowed your daughter to spend some time with a new family, one that you’d gotten to know reasonably well, but not as well as you’d like. However, because you understand that a mama’s got to gradually let out a little more rope in a child’s life as they grow, you agreed to let her go.

Now, you’re a little unsure. You want to trust that she’ll be okay, but now that she’s there, you’re struck by MAMA FEAR.

Oh my, I’ve been there, done that, still doing it. I get it. Seven kids. I’ve had enough mama fear to make an army of zombies run for cover. I understand.

And if you’re like me, gnawing, fearful thoughts lead to a myriad of questions that bubble in your subconscious and surface the whole time your child is gone. “Is she okay? Are these people really safe? Do they really share my values? Are they watching out for her as I would? . . .”

And if you’re like me, by the time we pick our kiddo up from her playdate, we barely make it into the mini-van before our bubble damn bursts. “Were they nice to you? Did anyone hurt you? Did they show you a movie you shouldn’t watch? Who? What? Where? When? How? . . .” And our child is drowning in our soap suds of questions, feeling our fear, with no understanding of why. They can’t even respond to our questions because, well, no one can communicate with bubbles in their mouth! By the time we’ve scooped up the bubbles, by ceasing our interrogation, we have no idea what our child did at the playdate or how our child really felt about it.

Because it’s not so much what she did at the playdate that’s important. It’s how she felt about what she did at the playdate.

How she felt will give us more information about her safety than the activities she participated in. Children are feelers. And right now all she is feeling is our fear and she can’t navigate through our feelings to get to hers.

We do this as mamas. I know, because I’ve written enough fiction in my head while my children have been away from me to fill a library. Well, okay, seven libraries. I’ve also been guilty of spouting off questions rooted in my fiction and based on my fear. (True confession: I just did this the other day with one of my teens. I’m still learning.)

And when fear governs our mama questions, we lose. And so does our child.

So how does a mama develop “fearless” questions? Questions that give you the information you need to know to discern if it was a safe playdate?

The first thing I have to do is examine my fears, then, give them the boot. And the best way I’ve found to cause fear to dissipate is to put on my “mama boots”, ask a wise friend to don hers, and together wade into the fear bubbles. We pop them one at a time. And we giggle and shed tears depending on what emerges.

Admitting fear and then staring it in the face chases it away or at least tethers it to reality (CLICK to tweet this). And mama, I find reality is a whole lot easier to navigate than fiction. It’s easier to pop a contained bubble than a floating one.

Once my fears are attended to, I ask my child two questions, bob and weave with her answers, and listen closely:

What did you like most about the party?

What did you like least at the party?

Then, I allow her feelings to lead me to the reality of what her playdate was like. I allow that reality to lead me toward my decision regarding the next playdate. And I am free to let out the rope, year by year, popping my fear bubbles along the way.

How do you deal with your fears? What fearless questions do you ask your child to determine if a playdate was safe?

Carolyn Byers Ruch is the founder of Rise and Shine Movement and author of the children’s books, Ana’s Song (formerly Rise And Shine) and Bobby Gilliam Brave and Strong, both tools for the prevention of childhood sexual abuse. She has spent the past ten years championing the issue of childhood sexual abuse and has received training certificates from some of the leading organizations dedicated to protecting children. A former teacher and mother of seven, her life has been enriched through adoption and foster care.

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