Continuing the Conversation Blog

How to Teach Our Children about Sex While We Are Still Their Heroes Wednesday, April 24, 2019

 

Full disclosure. The following post is NOT 3 Steps Toward Developing Kids Who Never Have a Sexual Thought, View Pornography, and Remain a Virgin Until Age 26. I’ve walked that demanding road of parenthood before. Believe me, it’s ruthless and the detours are maddening. If you want that advice, you will have to go elsewhere. I’m not sure where elsewhere is, but if you Google it, I’m sure you’ll find it. There’s a lot of yada-yada floating out there in the iClouds. 

But, if nothing else, parenthood has made me real. And I’m going to be real with you.

I’m a mama of seven, some biological, one adopted, and some fostered. As Dr. Phil likes to say, “I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday.” In fact, I’m a grandma. My grandson is due in June. Congratulations accepted. Thank you very much! I’m not sure where the years went and how I became old enough to become a grand-ma-ma, but I’m pretty sure my son and my daughter-in-law had sex to give me this title, just as my husband and I had sex to have our son. And I’m thrilled to be a grandma. Honored. Grateful. I’m glad they had sex. I’m glad we had sex. Perhaps, one day your son or daughter will have sex and make you a grandparent, too. 

“Whoa, slow down!” you say. “I can’t even imagine that. I’m still changing diapers. Helping with homework. And sex? Who has time for it, let alone think about teaching my precious, innocent kids about it?”

If you’re reading this and still changing diapers and helping with homework, I’m thrilled. Because developmentally, that’s the best time to begin having ongoing conversations with your kids about sex. “You shape much of your child’s future character and priorities during their first ten years when they heed your every word and want to be like you. Young children think their parents hang the moon and stars. You are at the top of their ranking of people’s influence on them,” Mike Berry says in his practical parenting book, Winning the Heart of Your Child: 9 Keys to Building a Positive Lifelong Relationship with Your Child. You’re the bomb! Your children still value what you say above all others.

And developmentally, your children are still in the concrete thinking phase. They aren’t tainted yet by the sexual images or experiences that we are, and they haven’t moved into abstract thinking where it’s raining hormones. It’s the perfect time to give-them-the-facts-Jack. The perfect time to build a solid foundation on which all other delicate information regarding sex can rest when the rain is pounding and the wind is howling. (View this chart from RSM on sexual development.)

But how, oh how, do we get our children from birth to age twenty-six, when their brains are fully developed, with some semblance of healthy sexuality? Where do we begin? 

We begin with ourselves. Yep, numero uno. If we want to equip our children to guide their children, our grandchildren, toward a healthy view of sex, we need to be working on our own

“How?” you ask. 

By taking the next small step.

I don’t know you. I don’t know your sexual history—if you had parents who talked about sex, if you’re a survivor of sexual abuse, if someone showed you porn as a child and you’ve been trying to stop viewing it ever since, if your sex life is fulfilling or dreadful. The list could go on with a myriad of valid scenarios, each one worth the time to ponder its impact on you. 

Since we can’t sit and share a cup of tea together and talk about your next small step, here are a few suggestions.  For some of you just admitting to yourself and then to another that sex is a struggle for you is a good and courageous start. Perhaps it’s telling a trusted friend, spouse, or counselor that someone stole your innocence through inappropriate conversation, images, or touch. Your next step could be reading a book on healthy sexuality, healing from abuse, addiction, or shame. (You can email me for resources.) 

My husband and I have talked about our sex life off and on for over thirty-three years now. Admitted our struggles. Spoken with trusted friends and a wise counselor. Read books. There have been some real highs and lows. Tears. Patience. Grace.

Recently, my husband and I took our next small step toward our sexual health as a couple. Separately, we wrote out our personal sexual history from birth to present—the truth and lies we received regarding sex, the wounds we encountered, the choices we’re glad we made, the choices we wish we didn’t. We considered how our histories had shaped our views, impacted our lives, entered our bedroom. Then, we shared our histories and thoughts with each other.

I learned that my journey toward healthy sexuality isn’t finished. Neither is his. But there was insight to be gained and healing to be embraced by writing out our sexual narratives separately and then sharing them with each other. And hopefully, we still have many more years to continue in process together. We ain’t dead, yet! 

And yes, for those who may be wondering—and sorry to my kids who may be reading this—parents and grandparents can still have sex and enjoy it, too. In fact, intimacy, in my husband’s and my experience, is better and oh, so much sweeter. How I wish that for you, as well. But this I know—it doesn’t just happen. It takes reflection and intention.

I don’t know what your next step toward healthy sexuality is. Only you can answer that question. Pray about it, if you pray. Seek wisdom from others. Read. But don’t settle. Just take the next small step—the road less traveled—for yourself, your spouse, your kids . . . and your future grandkids. 

***

 

Children who have parents who teach them about sex are less likely to experience the devastation of childhood sexual abuse. Those who violate children want silent parents and uniformed children.

 


 

Carolyn Byers Ruch is the founder of Rise and Shine Movement and author of the children’s books, Ana’s Song and Bobby Gilliam, Brave and Strong, both tools for the prevention of childhood sexual abuse. She has spent the past ten years championing the issue of childhood sexual abuse and has received training certificates from some of the leading organizations dedicated to protecting children. A former teacher and mother of seven, her life has been enriched through adoption and foster care.

 

 

 

Share This Blog:

Would your child keep a
secret from you?

FIND OUT

Get our FREE video:
What If? Conversation Starters 
or never miss a post!

 

Contributors

We're moms, just like you, who want to help parents protect their kids from childhood sexual abuse.


You may also like...



"If," a Poem for Prevention
Monday, November 15, 2021



She's Already Won the Gold
Wednesday, July 28, 2021



Talking to Our Kids about Sex and Sexual Abuse. It's More Than Just the Facts.
Monday, February 22, 2021



When Your Nothing Is Everything
Thursday, April 16, 2020



Children Know the World Is...
Wednesday, March 18, 2020



“Kissing Cousins:" What Mr. Rogers and Daniel Tiger Taught About Sexual Abuse Prevention
Wednesday, February 5, 2020



So, What About Sleepovers?
Wednesday, November 6, 2019



How to Protect Our Special Needs Children from Sexual Abuse
Tuesday, September 25, 2018



What If My Child Won’t Talk to Me?
Saturday, June 23, 2018



THANK YOU for donating to Rise and Shine Movement's 5th Annual Stuffed Animal Drive
Thursday, May 24, 2018



One Essential Parenting Decision You Will Never Regret
Tuesday, April 3, 2018



Rise and Shine Movement's 5th Annual Stuffed Animal Drive
Wednesday, March 14, 2018



Processing the Larry Nassar Childhood Sexual Abuse Case
Thursday, January 25, 2018



Confident Parenting In A "Me, Too" World
Wednesday, January 24, 2018



Are You and Your Children Free To Be?
Tuesday, January 23, 2018



Three Questions Matt Lauer Should Ask His Children
Wednesday, December 13, 2017



When You Catch Your Child “Playing Doctor”
Wednesday, October 25, 2017



Blush-free Family Movie Nights
Friday, July 14, 2017



How You Can Build a Relationship with Your Son by Talking about Porn
Thursday, April 27, 2017



The Day an Innocent Search Turned Up an Image My Son Can’t Erase: 5 Tips to Keep Your Kids Safe
Thursday, April 20, 2017



How to Speak about Porn and Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Child
Thursday, April 13, 2017



How You Can Help Protect Your Son's Innocence By Talking About Pornography
Thursday, April 6, 2017



Will Your Son Know What To Do When Someone Shows Him Porn?
Friday, March 31, 2017



Do Your Children Love Our Stories?
Wednesday, February 1, 2017



Why It’s Good for Your Child to Hurt: A Lesson from a Sexual Abuse Survivor
Saturday, January 7, 2017



A New Website, A New Video -- Our gifts to you!
Wednesday, December 7, 2016



Two Fearless Questions to Ask Your Child After a Playdate
Thursday, June 23, 2016



4 Things Perpetrators Don't Want Fathers to Know
Monday, June 13, 2016



April Awareness Month Wrap Up
Wednesday, May 11, 2016



Tip Four for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 25, 2016



Tip Three for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 18, 2016



Tip Two for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 11, 2016



Tip One for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 4, 2016



2016 Stuffed Animal Drive Underway!
Thursday, March 31, 2016



The Winner Is (Our Bobby Gilliam Book Giveaway)
Monday, February 1, 2016



It's a Bobby Gilliam Book Giveaway!
Monday, January 25, 2016



Why Should I Talk To My Kids About Porn?
Friday, January 22, 2016



Prevention Strategies Around the Holidays
Tuesday, November 24, 2015



Your Best Defense Against Childhood Sexual Abuse
Friday, September 18, 2015



Could Josh Duggar Be Your Son? Four Things You Need to Know
Friday, May 22, 2015



Measuring Success for CSA Awareness
Thursday, May 21, 2015



Is Your Child's Summer Camp Safe? Three Questions You Should Ask
Tuesday, May 19, 2015



What If Question Four
Monday, April 27, 2015



Bear Drive Huge Success in 2014
Wednesday, April 22, 2015



What If Question Three
Monday, April 20, 2015



What If Question Two
Monday, April 13, 2015



Protecting Our Kids from Sexual Abuse
Thursday, April 9, 2015



What If Question One
Monday, April 6, 2015



What If Conversation Starters
Wednesday, April 1, 2015



How Moms Can Make A Difference
Wednesday, April 1, 2015



Children Don't Tell Because They Protect
Thursday, October 16, 2014



Children Don't Tell Because They Trust
Thursday, October 2, 2014



Children Don't Tell Because They Love
Monday, September 29, 2014



When a Story and a Calling Converge
Thursday, September 25, 2014