Continuing the Conversation Blog

Confident Parenting In A "Me, Too" World Wednesday, January 24, 2018

When I was four, Billy, a teenage hired field-hand wanted to play a secret game with my older sister and me. I think it was because I was with my sister—I always felt empowered when we were together, and that Billy hadn’t taken time to groom us—manipulate us for the purpose of sexual abuse, that I ran and told my dad.

My father did three very important things for me that day: He listened to me, he believed me, and he took action. I can still see him marching toward the barn. I can still remember my first thought as I watched him go: I bet I just got Billy in big trouble. I felt ashamed.

Billy didn’t get himself in trouble. I got Billy in trouble.

I.


After puberty and years later . . .

When I felt the hard slap on my butt, I stopped in my tracks. Stunned. As I began to realize what had just happened, I could hear their laughter. Looking toward the sound, I saw two young men, running through the home goods department of the Sears store, glancing back at me. I was twenty-one. I felt humiliated.

Were my jeans too tight? Why did they pick me? Me. It’s where my thoughts went immediately. What was wrong with me?

ME.

When one of my daughters came home from school and told me she was violated in her classroom, I called her guidance counselor. *

“Why didn’t she scream?” he asked. It was his first question. I’m glad my daughter didn’t hear him. I can only guess what she would have felt—shame.

Why didn’t she . . .?

SHE.

People wonder why children don’t just tell—why women, men, boys, and girls don’t just scream.

And I tell them, as politely, and as compassionately as I can, what I told my daughter’s guidance counselor, “The shame is immediate. And shame is the great silencer. She believed it was her fault.”

Victims of sexual abuse blame themselves for the grievous choices of their perpetrators. (TWEET this!)

Sadly, we will have “Me, Too” stories for as long as human beings draw breath, as long as there is good and evil. And I pray your children never have their own story. It’s why I speak about prevention to as many who will listen, and offer free prevention resources on our website (Learn our prevention tips in 5 minutes.). But if your children do, I pray their stories end like this one:


Several years later after many conversations about sexual abuse with my children . . .

My young adult son came home from work distressed. Without warning, his much older boss, a husband and a father, had made an unwanted physical advance.

“He called me into his office,” our son told us, “where there would be no cameras, no proof,”

“What do you want to do?” We asked.

“File a police report. Even if they can’t do anything about it, I want them to know. Maybe someone else will report in the future. I keep thinking of all the kids who work there, who won’t know what to do. I’m so glad you talked to me about this stuff.”

We were never prouder of him.  Our son took back his power. And even though he was correct, there wasn’t enough evidence, the police took his statement and thanked him.

I don’t know if we can replace the shame our kids will feel or change their initial thoughts of self-blame should they encounter abuse. When it comes to sexual violations, our default buttons are preset.

Sexual abuse attacks the dignity of its victims. (TWEET this.)

But by engaging our children in conversations about prevention throughout their lives, we can change the outcomes.

We can teach it and preach it, with love in our eyes and passion in our voices, to our children and their children, at least once a year and every teachable moment in-between—"If anyone, and I mean ANYONE, speaks to you, or touches you in an inappropriate way, tell me. I will listen.”

Then we, as moms, dads, grandparents, and trusted care-givers can be confident that we’ve done all we can, within our power, to prevent an incident of abuse and a lifetime of shame.

Prevention begins with conversations and shame ends with conversations. (TWEET this.)

Begin the conversation with your child today with our free conversation starters.

 

You can do it! We can help.

 

Please learn from my mistake. If your child ever discloses abuse to you, call the police, not the school, the church, or the organization. Schools, churches, and organizations are not trained in the complexities of forensic interviewing and may not understand what’s in the best interest of your child. But you will.


 

Carolyn Byers Ruch is the founder of Rise and Shine Movement and author of the children’s books, Ana’s Song and Bobby Gilliam, Brave and Strong, both tools for the prevention of childhood sexual abuse. She has spent the past ten years championing the issue of childhood sexual abuse and has received training certificates from some of the leading organizations dedicated to protecting children. A former teacher and mother of seven, her life has been enriched through adoption and foster care.

 

 

 

Share This Blog:

Comments

Christy Willard From At 1/25/2018 9:30:51 AM

Thank you for sharing so openly! It's hard enough dealing with our own "me, too" stories, let alone knowing the best way to help our kids possibly thru their own. The idea of that feels hard, but you're right, the only way to prevent it, the only way to keep shame away is to talk about it.

Would your child keep a
secret from you?

FIND OUT

Get our FREE video:
What If? Conversation Starters 
or never miss a post!

 

Contributors

We're moms, just like you, who want to help parents protect their kids from childhood sexual abuse.


You may also like...



"If," a Poem for Prevention
Monday, November 15, 2021



She's Already Won the Gold
Wednesday, July 28, 2021



Talking to Our Kids about Sex and Sexual Abuse. It's More Than Just the Facts.
Monday, February 22, 2021



When Your Nothing Is Everything
Thursday, April 16, 2020



Children Know the World Is...
Wednesday, March 18, 2020



“Kissing Cousins:" What Mr. Rogers and Daniel Tiger Taught About Sexual Abuse Prevention
Wednesday, February 5, 2020



So, What About Sleepovers?
Wednesday, November 6, 2019



How to Teach Our Children about Sex While We Are Still Their Heroes
Wednesday, April 24, 2019



How to Protect Our Special Needs Children from Sexual Abuse
Tuesday, September 25, 2018



What If My Child Won’t Talk to Me?
Saturday, June 23, 2018



THANK YOU for donating to Rise and Shine Movement's 5th Annual Stuffed Animal Drive
Thursday, May 24, 2018



One Essential Parenting Decision You Will Never Regret
Tuesday, April 3, 2018



Rise and Shine Movement's 5th Annual Stuffed Animal Drive
Wednesday, March 14, 2018



Processing the Larry Nassar Childhood Sexual Abuse Case
Thursday, January 25, 2018



Are You and Your Children Free To Be?
Tuesday, January 23, 2018



Three Questions Matt Lauer Should Ask His Children
Wednesday, December 13, 2017



When You Catch Your Child “Playing Doctor”
Wednesday, October 25, 2017



Blush-free Family Movie Nights
Friday, July 14, 2017



How You Can Build a Relationship with Your Son by Talking about Porn
Thursday, April 27, 2017



The Day an Innocent Search Turned Up an Image My Son Can’t Erase: 5 Tips to Keep Your Kids Safe
Thursday, April 20, 2017



How to Speak about Porn and Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Child
Thursday, April 13, 2017



How You Can Help Protect Your Son's Innocence By Talking About Pornography
Thursday, April 6, 2017



Will Your Son Know What To Do When Someone Shows Him Porn?
Friday, March 31, 2017



Do Your Children Love Our Stories?
Wednesday, February 1, 2017



Why It’s Good for Your Child to Hurt: A Lesson from a Sexual Abuse Survivor
Saturday, January 7, 2017



A New Website, A New Video -- Our gifts to you!
Wednesday, December 7, 2016



Two Fearless Questions to Ask Your Child After a Playdate
Thursday, June 23, 2016



4 Things Perpetrators Don't Want Fathers to Know
Monday, June 13, 2016



April Awareness Month Wrap Up
Wednesday, May 11, 2016



Tip Four for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 25, 2016



Tip Three for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 18, 2016



Tip Two for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 11, 2016



Tip One for Protecting Your Kids from Sexual Abuse (April 2016 Sexual Abuse Awareness Campaign)
Monday, April 4, 2016



2016 Stuffed Animal Drive Underway!
Thursday, March 31, 2016



The Winner Is (Our Bobby Gilliam Book Giveaway)
Monday, February 1, 2016



It's a Bobby Gilliam Book Giveaway!
Monday, January 25, 2016



Why Should I Talk To My Kids About Porn?
Friday, January 22, 2016



Prevention Strategies Around the Holidays
Tuesday, November 24, 2015



Your Best Defense Against Childhood Sexual Abuse
Friday, September 18, 2015



Could Josh Duggar Be Your Son? Four Things You Need to Know
Friday, May 22, 2015



Measuring Success for CSA Awareness
Thursday, May 21, 2015



Is Your Child's Summer Camp Safe? Three Questions You Should Ask
Tuesday, May 19, 2015



What If Question Four
Monday, April 27, 2015



Bear Drive Huge Success in 2014
Wednesday, April 22, 2015



What If Question Three
Monday, April 20, 2015



What If Question Two
Monday, April 13, 2015



Protecting Our Kids from Sexual Abuse
Thursday, April 9, 2015



What If Question One
Monday, April 6, 2015



What If Conversation Starters
Wednesday, April 1, 2015



How Moms Can Make A Difference
Wednesday, April 1, 2015



Children Don't Tell Because They Protect
Thursday, October 16, 2014



Children Don't Tell Because They Trust
Thursday, October 2, 2014



Children Don't Tell Because They Love
Monday, September 29, 2014



When a Story and a Calling Converge
Thursday, September 25, 2014